What If . . .
I know that my last note was inspirational, at least it was meant to be, however this one is very different. I also know that we are not supposed to focus on "What If" questions, but I'm stuck.

As you probably know, Heath Ledger is gone he died at 28 years old only 5 years older than me.
I never paid much attention to Heath Ledger. I liked his movies, thought he was a really good actor, but never claimed him as my favorite. Although I did say that he was one of my favorites to catch on talk shows. If I knew he was going to be on a talk show I tried to see it, because I thought he was a real down to earth guy. I once saw him play a dideridoo on Late Night with Conan O'Brien, just because he could.

Well, I know there are lots of opinions about how and why he died, but let me tell you something. I found out that he said he was having trouble sleeping and that he had trouble separating himself from the roles he was playing. So he was on sleeping pills to try to help him sleep (along with medication for pneumonia and antidepressants) and since he was not sleeping these pills off the way you need to his body had a build up of the medications and caused him to fall asleep -- for good. Apparently when he would come home from working on roles like the Joker, he couldn't stop thinking. He even told his family that, "He had trouble shutting off his brain." This statement hit me heard because several times I have been lying in bed or trying to do something else and I have said, "I wish I could just shut off my brain." Or have told Nikki, "I could sleep if I could just shut my brain off." These types of statements have lead me to get some more Tylenol PM or anything else just to help me sleep or shut part of my brain off so I could work on something else. I have so much trouble shutting of the part of my brain that imagines scenarios that would be cool in movies or that are from movies. I have trouble getting things done because of this fact -- including sleeping. So when I heard this about Heath Ledger, I suddenly had this connection with a dead 28 year old actor. Dead at 28.
It made me think, "What if I die at 28?" Would I have done the things that God wanted me too? "What if I accidentally take just one too may pills to "shut off my brain" and relax? What would happen to my beautiful wife and my amazing puppy? What would happen to my kingdom work? What if I died at 28? Would I be missed? Would I have done any good for the kingdom? Would someone that I didn't know be sitting at their computer telling their blog that they thought they felt the pain I felt, just like I am doing right now? Or would no one but my wife and and my dog care?

I know we shouldn't focus on "What If's" but I'm stuck. Stuck.